


I'm The Same As You (Pt 2)

by Emrys_Llyr



Category: Xenoblade Chronicles 2 (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Sex, M/M, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-06
Updated: 2019-10-06
Packaged: 2020-11-26 04:49:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20924453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emrys_Llyr/pseuds/Emrys_Llyr
Summary: In the Architect’s so-called wisdom, blades were made not to look to each other were they? Only to their drivers. But can we not connect blade to blade, as equals? Perhaps, perhaps we can find a way to circumvent the Architect’s design...Part 2 of"I'm the same as you"





	1. Chapter 1

Jin felt himself waking after only a few hours sleep. The familiar ache gnawing at him, but tonight it was more acute. How he longed for it to dissipate. He felt a tear slide across the bridge of his nose. While conferring his affinity on Malos had finally rebalanced his ether, the intensity of the connection had only served to remind him of what he no longer had.  
  
He looked across the cave. Lit by the glowing embers of the camp fire, was the sleeping form of Mikhail, the lad had flung out an arm, the neck of his shirt had fallen to one side, the barbaric core clearly visible in his softly rising chest. He was growing more muscular, now that he was practicing with his weapons daily. Jin imagined he could see the bones of the man he would become just below the boyish skin.  
  
Behind him, almost touching, was the powerful, long body of Malos. Jin suppressed the urge to lean back into the dark blade’s warmth.  
  
It was harder and harder every time Jin conferred an affinity thread directly upon Malos’s crystal. He felt like a narcotic addict, compelled, knowing that while it felt wonderful at the time, the come-down afterwards would be a wretched struggle. Malos found it difficult for different reasons, his feelings for Jin were already strong, but sharing such intimacy just filled him with a kind of hopeless longing. Now Jin was out of danger, there was no reason to keep doing it - beyond a blade’s perennial yearning for connection.  
  
Jin turned over to look at the dark blade. Malos’s grey eyes were open. He was awake. Although he wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else, Malos found sleeping next to Jin these days hard.  
  
Jin was surprised at Malos’s touch on his cheek, then felt the soft stroke of fingers wiping away tears. Malos cradled the side of Jin’s face with his hand, and with a question in his eyes, unbuckled his breast plate to reveal the shattered crystal. Jin nodded, and from his solar plexus generated a thread of affinity directly to the core. As it connected, the dragging grief inside faded away and Jin felt his breathing relax again.  
  
“Close your eyes.” Malos whispered softly. Jin left his head in Malos’s hand and soon he faded into sleep, the affinity thread fading with him. Malos simply lay looking at the sleeping blade, his face bereft.  
  
  
_There was a lone tree in a field. I could feel the wind on my face and in the distance I swear I heard the tolling of a church bell. And you were there. Leaning on the tree, looking into the distance. _  
  
_And I ran, I ran up the hill to tree, I ran to you and when I got the the top you weren’t there. I was the lone figure, by the tree. With the wind in the grass, and the tolling of the bell. Alone._  
  
_I think I know now that you’d hate him. But you know what Lora, he’s here and you’re not. He loves me, I realise that now. I want to return that love, but everything inside me still yearns for you. I am only half a man, and that’s all I can give._  
  
  
A couple of months camping in the Gormotti Summer had restored all three of them. Physically they were all much stronger now. After Jin’s initial objections regarding Mikhail’s safety, they learned to fight in different pairings and as a trio. Malos and Mikhail had both pointed out that as Mik was still wanted by Indol, the ability to defend himself was paramount.  
  
The after effects of Jin conferring affinity directly on Malos’s core crystal had effected the dark blade differently. Where before it had been Jin making excuses for his own solitary company, while Malos had helped Mikhail practice with his new fans, now it was Malos taking time away from the other two, lost to his thoughts.  
  
Always sensitive to those around him, of course Jin noticed. He waited in the hope that Malos would volunteer what was wrong but after a few days, Jin realised that Malos simply didn’t know how to confide in anyone. Leaving Mikhail to practice on his own one afternoon, he tracked Malos down by the lakeside.  
  
“What’s going on Malos, you ok?” Jin crouched and went to rest his hand on the big man’s shoulder, but Malos almost flinched. Jin thought better of it and just sat beside him instead.  
  
“Sorry Jin, some of my memory came back. It’s a lot to process.”  
  
“Want to tell me about it?”  
  
“You saw Elysium?”  
  
“Elysium?”  
  
“The green fields, the lone tree, the sound of the church in the distance.”  
  
Jin feels disconcerted, how much had Malos been aware of? “Did you read my mind Malos?”  
  
“No, the images were just so present in the affinity thread.”  
  
“Where’s Elysium?”  
  
“The World Tree. Where the Architect made me.”  
  
Jin didn’t know what to do with this information. He was so used to Malos by now that he often forgets that this man had been the Aegis, with power and knowledge beyond his own comprehension. “You remember more about that time?”  
  
Malos sighs, lies back in the grass, and stares up at the sky, “I remember everything. I remember who I was. I remember what it felt like to feel fulfilled by destruction and death. The one who saw this world and wanted to destroy it. I caused three continents to die, to sink below the Cloud Sea, destroying the lives of countless people.” He paused for a moment, then looked at Jin, the handsome face marred by self-loathing. “A hideous monster.”  
  
“Malos, while I agree that what you did was monstrous, you were not the monster. That man is the monster - I truly believe that all of this came from Amalthus, not you. You are a blade who was abused by his driver. You can made different choices now, you said so yourself - you feel you can make choices that feel like they are from you.”  
  
“Only when I’m with you Jin. With you I feel…” Malos swallows, his voice petering out.  
  
Jin touches Malos’s hand, but Malos moves it away. “How could you possibly want a wretch like me?”  
  
Lying down next to Malos, Jin tries to offer the only answer he can and leans across to brush his mouth against the dark blade’s lips, at the same time he opens a palm and sends across a thread of affinity. Malos wraps his arms around Jin, pulling in the ice-blade for a deeper kiss. Jin turns the thread to gold, enveloping both of them in bright haze of warm connection. They held on to each other, struggling with the intensity of the moment. Jin felt calmer, less empty, but Malos was strangely flushed. Jin assumed it must be down to having such a huge amount of ether dumped directly into his core.  
  
“Jin, I can’t keep doing this. It’s not enough. I want you so much.” Malos’s voice is breaking. “I promise, I’m not going to hurt you, but I don’t know what to do with myself.”  
  
Jin berates himself for forgetting that these were not just emotional kisses for Malos. The lost look on the dark blade’s face is heartbreaking. “It’s ok Malos, you haven’t said anything wrong.” Jin tries to relax, considering for a moment. He’d never felt the need for a physical relationship, the affinity link was all he craved, and as much as he didn’t want to stop, he could see that they couldn’t continue like this. And yet, Malos so clearly wanted to be physical. He had done so much for Jin, perhaps this was something he could return.  
  
“Jin, please, can I touch you? Simply touch you?” Malos’s mouth is whispering into Jin’s hair. You don’t have to touch me back. I long to feel your skin.”  
  
Jin smiles, “Ok.” He lay completely still, his eyes closed as he felt a hand placed tentatively on his shoulder. Malos slid his hand into the neck of Jin’s undershirt and down to his chest, the finger tips softly stroking his skin. It felt good. The hand paused over the torn flesh of the scar for a moment and then Jin felt Malos’s palm rest firmly upon the scar, and at the same time, felt the brush of lips on his neck. It was such loving gesture. Jin leaned back and rested his head on Malos’s shoulder, enjoying the moment. “You ok?”  
  
“Hmmm,” Malos continues to trace patterns in Jin’s skin with his fingers.  
  
“Would you like me to touch you too?”  
  
Malos gulps. He kisses Jin across the throat. “Yes.” He can barely get the word out.  
  
Jin makes Malos sit up and kneels between his legs. He kisses him deeply, not chastely this time, but with his tongue. Malos groans, and Jin feels strong arms grasp him tightly, pulling him in, almost too tightly.  
  
After a moment Jin pulls back, “I need to breathe Malos.”, and grins at the disconcerted expression on the dark blade’s face. “We’ve got all the time in the world, let’s take this nice and slowly.” He sits back, and starts to peel off his own armour and clothes. Malos looks at him delightedly and follows suit. Soon they are just sitting close, admiring one another in the fading light of the evening.  
  
“You are beautiful Jin.” The dark blade’s voice is full of longing.  
  
Jin notices that Malos is more slender, less bulky that his armour suggests, with wiry musculature in his arms and broad chest. He slides his hand along a smooth thigh, noticing Malos’s obvious response to his touch.  
  
“You’re not aroused?” Malos is worried.  
  
“Do you want me to be?”  
  
Malos nods.  
  
“Why don’t you carry on stroking me, slowly.” Jin moves himself closer. He shivers as he feels the big man’s trembling palms on his skin. It feels comforting, warm. Jin in turn strokes and caresses the dark blade, trailing his fingers softly, then pushing firmly with the heel of his hand, trying to see what Malos responds to. At the moment that appears to be everything, but Jin can’t really blame him, given that this is probably the only time Malos has been touched intimately by anyone. Malos moans softly and then pulls Jin in fiercely for another kiss. Jin can see that the dark blade is wildly aroused, and very close to the edge. He reaches down with his hand and determinedly, expertly, brings Malos to a conclusion, his other hand in the dark hair, holding Malos’s head to his shoulder as Malos groans in ecstasy.  
  
Jin makes small kisses around Malos’s neck while Malos is lost in his own feeling. Eventually Malos lifts his head, breathing audibly. Jin smiles, “You ok there?”  
  
“Jin,” Malos looks at him in adoration, and then after a moment rouses himself, “Do you want me to do that for you?”  
  
“You don’t have to, I don’t need it the way you, and others seem to.”  
  
But Malos looks dismayed, “Please Jin, let me.” and pulls Jin to sit between his legs, enveloping the ice-blade in his arms, kissing Jin’s jaw, his neck, down his shoulders.  
  
Jin welcomes the comforting touch and leans into Malos’s stroking. He feels a hand slide down his stomach and between his legs, and lets himself be brought to arousal. Given that this is Malos’s first time stimulating someone else, he is surprisingly good at it. Jin allows himself to be cradled in Malos’s embrace and wonders at making himself so completely vulnerable to this man. First with sharing his affinity and now this. The loneliness that drags at Jin every waking moment has been forgotten and all his breathing is focused on the here and now, where he is being held and tenderly touched. Jin feels his pleasure climbing and finds himself moaning into Malos’s shoulder, the faint scent of sweat strangely attractive. Soon a different kind of bliss envelopes Jin, Malos bends to kiss him and Jin surprises himself with how much hunger he has for returning the kiss, before letting his head fall back as he groans in release.  
  
In the last of the light they dress, make their way back to the cave, pausing now and then to share a kiss or a tender touch. The sense of peace and intimacy after all the trials settling on them like a Cloud Sea mist.  
  
Mikhail was asleep when they returned, and the pair sat in each others arms, staring into the embers for a while, not wanting to break the moment, until eventually, the need for sleep overtook them and they retired. Jin fell asleep between Mikhail and Malos as usual, but this time unconsciously reaching a hand behind him.


	2. Flashback

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the Indoline Warrior Monk arrived at the clearing in front of the cave early that morning, Mikhail hadn’t know who was more shocked, him or the monk.

When the Indoline Warrior Monk arrived at the clearing in front of the cave early that morning, Mikhail hadn’t know who was more shocked, him or the monk. They stood looking at each other for a moment, the warrior was not expecting to fight with a child. But when Mikhail manifested his crystal fans he looked surprised, but readied himself and attacked with his lance, yelling as he did so. All the sparring with Jin paid off as Mikhail was now well versed in dodging an opponent with a longer weapon. He used his shorter stature to duck and get behind the monk, following the motion through to slash in a wide arc at the man’s legs. The fans must have connected as the monk screamed in pain.  
  
Alerted by the noise Jin arrived, shortly followed by Malos. Like lightening Jin launched himself in a shimmer and in the next instance, drove his sword though the heart of the man, who looked up at his face in disbelief before falling off the blade in a silent heap.   
  
Turning to make sure that Mikhail was alright, Jin was appalled to see the boy in a thrall of an incandescent fury launching a ferocious attack upon Malos. The dark blade was down on his knees and had thrown up an imperfect ether shield. Jin ran to his side and had to intervene with an ether shield of his own. Mikhail was fighting Jin, screaming at Jin, as if he were someone else, face flushed, the lethal fans glancing off the shield. Using his lightening speed, Jin darted behind Mikhail, wrapping the boy’s arms, in a strong embrace, pinning them down. “Mik, Mik, it’s Jin. Jin, remember? You’re safe, you’re safe.”   
  
While trying to hold on to the struggling boy, Jin gestured his head to indicate to Malos to check the immediate area. Retrieving Jin’s sword, Malos went to look.  
  
The lad’s rage dissolved into heaving sobs, and they stood like that, blade and child waiting for the storm to fade. Mikhail dropped the infinity fans and limply slid out of Jin’s grasp on to his knees. Jin knelt beside him, held him close. Mikhail was crying, telling Jin what had happened in a flood of words, how he’d been held down, how Indoline monks had cut him and Amalthus had forced the section of crystal to resonate directly into his chest. How the pain had been terrible. That they had killed the other children. How he thought he was going to die.   
  
Mikhail wept, and Jin wept with him, holding him, stroking his face, whispering gentle words. “I’m here, I’m here Mik. What they did to you, was beyond wrong, it was evil. You didn’t deserve that, no one does. I’m so proud that you escaped. I’m so glad that we are together now. I’ll always be here for you, I will never leave you. Even when you grow up and make your own life, you will always have me to come back to. Your home is with me. Wherever we are together, that will be our home. And you will not be alone.”   
  
Malos returned, shaking his head, and looked worriedly at Mikhail.  
  
Now all was quiet, just the noise of the shuddering sobs leaving the boy’s body, as he sniffed, wiping his face on his arm. After long moment he turned and looked at the body of the dead monk.  
  
“I’m going to kill Amalthus.” It wasn’t the voice of a child, but something adult and deadly. Jin closed his eyes at the sound of Mikhail’s resolve. How did they all come to be in such a dark place?  
  
Malos, who had been quiet all this time, couldn’t help himself, “There’s a queue Mik, but we all took a vote and agreed you could go to the front.”  
  
Mikhail nearly laughed. Then looked up at the tall man and his eyes widened in shock as he saw a bloody gash on the back of Malos’s arm. “You’re hurt! I’m so sorry!”  
  
“I’ll forgive you Mik, if you make lively with the med kit.” But Mikhail had already jumped up to go and get it.   
  
Malos looked worriedly at Jin, “I couldn’t see anyone, do you think there will be anymore?”  
  
“I don’t know, I expect so. I need to go and take a proper look.” Jin looked at the injury closely, “Why didn’t you say something before? Not too deep, but it might need a couple of stitches. I can sort it out for you.”   
  
“No, let the boy do it - it’ll be a good lesson for him. When I saw it wasn’t serious I realised you had other injuries to deal with.”  
  
Jin looked surprised at Malos’s insight, “You sure, it’ll hurt less if I do it, might scar less too.”  
  
“Well if it scars, it’ll reproach him won’t it. I’ll be able to wind him up for ages.” Malos grinned. Jin rolled his eyes and moved a little distance away so that he wasn’t breathing anxiously down Mikhail’s neck, who had now returned with the med kit and clean water. The lad had helped Jin with enough field dressings to know what to do. He took great care over the cleaning of the wound. Jin reflected on Malos’s words, yes, this was a good lesson for Mik. Doing this would distract him from the terrible memories, and he was a blade now, and would have to deal with everything that came with that. Malos called across, “These stitches are so fine, it might not scar after all.”   
  
Mikhail looked across at Jin with a worried expression. “Do you think there are more from Indol around?  
  
“I have to go and find out, will you be ok?” Mikhail nodded.  
  
“Search the monk Malos, take care of Mik.” Reassured that Mikhail was ok, the ice-blade let himself down into the clouds and swam away.

The warrior monks had made their camp about half a day’s traveling from the cave. The bored attitude of a lone man revealed to Jin that the monk had been left on guard while his fellow soldiers were away. There had been no evidence of any other tracks on his way here, so reassuring himself that the dead monk had been the only one who had found their cave, Jin hid himself until twilight. The monk’s two companions returned at dusk. Jin could hear their discussion, wondering where their other companion had got to. Having satisfied himself that it was just these three, Jin attacked.  
  
It was too easy. Now that his ether was flowing more normally, Jin was able to move so swiftly his moves were almost instantaneous. Before the three monks could raise themselves to their feet they were dead at his feet. For a second he had his own hideous flash-back, remembering the men he had killed in the moments after he became a flesh-eater. He took his time wiping the nodachi clean. If only he could wipe his memory clean. He drew a deep breath, the whole reason he was here was because he’d been so desperate to retain his memories.   
  
Jin placed the bodies under a hollowed out tree root. He covered them with brash and froze them and their weapons into a solid block of ice. It would give them enough time to get away before they were discovered. He destroyed the camp, trying to make it look like it had not been used for a while. It wouldn’t fool a professional tracker, but it might be enough.  
  
It was close to midnight by the time he made it back to the cave. When he clambered out of the Cloud Sea into the clearing in front of the cave, being met by a looming Malos brandishing one of Mikhail’s weapons had momentarily put the fear of the Architect into him.   
  
“There were three others. I dealt with them. Hid them.” Jin looked around. There was no sign of the intruder.  
  
“I sent him to the bottom of the sea.” Malos explained, and then he stiffly drew Jin into a tight embrace. His lips brushed Jin’s for a moment. “I was starting to worry.”  
  
Mikhail threw himself at Jin when he walked back into the cave, “You came back! You’re not hurt?”   
  
“Not a scratch, but look, Mik, we have to leave.” He looked down at the worried face of the boy. Then he realised as he looked around the cave that Malos and Mik were already in the process of striking camp.   
  
“I was going to give you until daybreak and then we were going to leave Jin.” Malos looked miserable.   
  
Jin patted him reassuringly on the arm, and nodded. “I’d have done the same.” He found himself falling into the old pattern of having to think on his feet. “We’ll go to Lascham Cove and get whatever passage we can. Then we’ll work out what to do next. We don’t know how long it will be before that group will be missed, we don’t know if there are any other Indoline warriors on Gormott right now. But if we leave now we should get to the Cove by morning and be able to take advantage of an early departure if there is one.”  
  
Mikhail had hidden everything they owned but the bare essentials in the tree root by the lake, while Malos had kept guard. They couldn’t disguise the fire pit, but they made sure they left nothing that could identify them. Then they slipped into the Cloud Sea, Malos and Jin making sure Mik was between them, and swam their way back to the mainland.


	3. Chasm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jin looked at the crumpled paper with a sick feeling - it was a poorly drawn picture of a young fair-haired boy, with a crystal in his chest.
> 
> “You’ve not shown this to Mik I take it?
> 
> “No.”

At Lascham they had to wait until the evening for the first departure, to Mor Ardain. The panic clawed at Jin, while he tried to stay so nonchalant for Mik. Malos’s irritation was threatening to make things worse. When he was rude to the captain, Jin had to remind him that they were trying not to draw attention to themselves. But they saw no more Indoline warriors. As they weighed anchor that evening Jin trembled in relief, it felt like he could breathe properly for the first time since the monk had arrived the previous morning. He suddenly became aware that he’d not slept.   
  
Malos had paid for a cramped cabin. They put Mikhail in the top bunk, waiting for him to fall asleep before daring to talk about possible plans. Malos had prevented Mikhail from exploring the ship, trying to explain that they needed to keep a low profile, but after the boy was asleep, he showed Jin what he had found on the body of the monk. Jin looked at the crumpled paper with a sick feeling - it was a poorly drawn picture of a young fair-haired boy, with a crystal in his chest.   
  
“You’ve not shown this to Mik I take it?  
  
“No.”   
  
We have to find passage elsewhere, the instant we get to Mor Ardain.”, Jin sighs, “If only we had one of the old Tornan ships, we could fend for ourselves.”  
  
“Are there any left?”  
  
I remember several were used getting the refugees off Torna before she went down.”  
  
Malos looks pained for a moment. Jin touches his arm, “What is it?”  
  
“Everything comes back to that.” Malos seemed to be struggling more with his past actions as the Aegis.  
  
Jin closed his eyes, trying to stop the memory of his dying home from choking him up, “We can come back to that if you want to, but right now, we need to think. Now a lot of the Tornans decided to go to Genbu - setting up a new kingdom. If Prince Zettar has anything to do with it, there must be at least one Tornan ship.  
  
“You want to steal a prince’s royal yacht?”  
  
“Basically, yes.”  
  
“I like this side of you Jin.” Malos opens his arms and Jin leans in, the strain of the last day and a half bringing him sleep swiftly. Malos lies wakeful. Memories disturbing his peace.  
  
  
To find themselves in an inn in Alba Cavanich where the three of them had started their journey together felt like a strange retrograde step. Mik had been on the run, alone and terrified. Malos had been drifting, unclear of his new identity, and Jin, sick with ether problems, had been earning a living by begging and occasional prostitution. The time on Gormott had been an idyll compared to the oppressive atmosphere they all felt now.  
  
Buying old cloak to obscure himself, Jin did his best to suppress his ether so that other blades wouldn’t sense him, and made discreet enquiries. A ship from Genbu wasn’t expected for a few weeks. Jin became anxious that in the meantime he might be recognised but when he eventually met some of his fellow Tornans, they were all so beaten up by their own experiences, no one was paying any attention to anything beyond their own problems. If Mikhail hadn’t been Jin’s first concern, he would have been sorely tempted to find a way to help his people. But he was also understood that his flesh-eater status had stigmatised him and that he would have only ever been viewed with suspicion. Mik and Malos were his people now. No one else understood.   
  
Walking past a cosmetics stall gave Jin an idea and he bought some dark hair dye. Later that evening in their room at the inn, he and Mik almost had their first fight when he tried to persuade the young lad that they needed to dye his hair. It was only when Malos suggested to Mik that if he had dark hair too, they could pass Mik off as Malos’s son, that Mik relented. He complained the entire time Jin spent applying it, only to then spend the rest of the evening doing Malos impressions in front of the mirror, maintaining it was part of his cover. Jin thought they were hysterical. Malos found them less amusing. He got Mikhail back by referring to him as ‘son’ and ’my lad’ as often as possible. Mik couldn’t bring himself to call Malos ‘Dad’. No one pressured him on that front  
  
Sometimes Jin would take Mikhail into the city with him but was struck with how different a person the boy was when they were away from the inn. He would become withdrawn, aloof, he seemed to particularly want to avoid other children. When it was just the three of them Mikhail was affectionate and funny. Malos he listened to - about everything the man knew about the dark element and technology. They even shared quips, Jin despairing at Mikhail aping Malos’s acerbic banter. With Jin his attachment became deep. In his whole life the only parental figures he could rely on had been Lora and Jin. After the day they’d fought the monk, Mikhail trusted Jin completely.   
  
While Jin did his research in the day, Malos would often go out after dark, not returning until late. If Jin was still up, he would nod a silent greeting and make his way to the other bed, turning his face to the wall. Somehow in this uncertain atmosphere of tension, and the lack of time alone together, all their initial intimacy dissolved. Deep down Jin suspected, feared, that Malos had decided to take his own path in exploring his sexual desires. Whether it was casual encounters or paying for it, Jin wasn’t certain. He assumed the latter. He hated the idea. It wasn’t what Jin wanted for Malos at all.   
  
The evening by the lakeside seemed a hundred years ago. The lonely chasm opening up between them was devastating.   
  
The night before they were due to depart with the other Tornan refugees, Malos hadn’t gone out, instead helping the other two pack and prepare for the next day. They went through their cover stories for the umpteenth time. After everything was prepared, and Mikhail had fallen asleep, Jin took the opportunity to try and reach out to Malos.  
  
Sitting at the table, nursing his tea, the ice-blade slid his palm across the table until his finger tips were almost touching the dark blade’s hand.  
  
“Did I do something wrong?”  
  
Malos shook his head, closing the gap between their hands so that his fingers were just brushing Jin’s.  
  
“Ah Jin, Are you even capable of doing something wrong?”  
  
“I don’t understand Malos - what’s going on in that head of yours?”  
  
“Tell me something, when Mik completely lost his shit after the Indol monk arrived, you knew just what to do, you were able to do the right thing, help him.”  
  
“To be honest, I was expecting it. I was waiting for something like that to happen at some point, I just didn’t know how or when. The monk was the bigger surprise…”  
  
“Why were you expecting it?”  
  
“Traumatic injuries like that have a nasty habit of making their presence felt. I’ve noticed that it seems to be when something reminds you of the original event.” Jin remembered poor Mikhail’s story. “What is it that Amalthus wants, really?”  
  
“Power. Destruction. The end of everything.”  
  
“The end of everything?”  
  
“He hates the world. He wants to take the Architect’s power for himself.”  
  
“The Architect?”, Jin had never really believed in Indoline dogma. “Isn’t that like wanting be god?”  
  
“I guess so, but the Architect isn’t a god, he’s just a human, who made this world.”  
  
Jin looks at Malos stunned. “This world was made by a human?”  
  
Malos nods.   
  
“Do you hate this world Malos?”  
  
“I used to. But then I met you, and Mik. I don’t want to hate it now. But I hate the parts of it that hurt Mik, and hurt you.”  
  
“That would be Amalthus then?” The concept of hating your own driver was so far beyond Jin’s realm of experience, that he can’t imagine what this must be doing to Malos. It begins to dawn on Jin that Malos hates himself. As he looks at the dark blade’s lost expression, he is filled with compassion.  
  
“Jin?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Do you know the right thing to help me? To help us?”  
  
Jin exhales sadly. He grips Malos’s hand. “I wish I knew. I want to help you, but I can’t help you if don’t talk to me. I’m more than sad that we are not close at the moment.” He sees an anguished look in Malos’s eyes.  
  
“I’m not Lora.”   
  
Jin lets go and sits back, wary.   
  
“You love, loved her, so much. How could you possibly come to have any feelings for me. I must seem like a brute compared to her.”  
  
“Malos, when you saw my images of Elysium, what else did you see? Tell me the truth.”  
  
“Everything.”  
  
Jin swallows. Malos knows. He knows how much Jin aches for Lora, he knows how much Jin wanted to feel love for Malos, and he knows how much he couldn’t.  
  
“So when we share affinity?”  
  
“I feel what you are feeling, I see what you see. And all of it is Lora.”  
  
“Is this why you stopped wanting to be intimate?”  
  
“I wanted you to want me. But you didn’t, you were just being the usual kind, caring Jin. And while even that is lovely and something worth having, I still wanted you, needed you to _want_ me.”  
  
Jin feels terrible. Malos is desperate to have his feelings returned. No wonder he’d been avoiding Jin, no wonder he’d been seeking some kind of solace at night.  
  
“Is that why you’ve been going out in the evenings? Finding company elsewhere?” There was no accusation in Jin’s voice, only concern.  
  
Malos looks puzzled. “I’ve not been finding other company, I just go walking. So I can think. Well, not think really. Why would I look for other company? It’s you I want to be with. And it’s only with you that I feel that I am myself and not someone’s blade.”  
  
Feeling stunned Jin was suddenly ashamed for assuming that Malos had been acting out of a baser need. This was such a mess. In the hope of making a pure blade to blade connection, Jin had somehow trampled Malos’s feelings with his own polluted flesh-eater core.   
  
He took hold of Malos’s hand once more. “Malos, I promise you I will find a way to make this right. If you saw everything, felt everything, you must know I care. You know I want to return your feelings. Feelings can change Malos. They take time, they grow, they evolve. If after a while you can’t bare to be near me I will completely understand. But I’m asking you now, help me get Mik safe, and just have patience with me. You deserve to have the chance to discover your own identity. I want to help you do that.” Jin looks up into Malos’s clear grey eyes, and is stunned to see them glistening. Mirroring the gesture Malos has made to him countless times, he dashes a tear from the dark blade’s cheek and smiles, “Hang on, isn’t it me that usually ends up crying?”  
  
The slow smile that crept over the dark blade’s face fills Jin with relief. “Ah shit Jin, how do you always know just what to say?”


	4. Monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the ammunition was spent, with great yelling the company charged at Jin. Using his absurd speed, the ice-blade wove his way around the men.

The ship that had been sent to take the remaining Tornans to Tantal turned out to be one of the old Tornan fleet. An extravagantly gilded self-powered craft called the _Monoceros_ sat in the dock. Its arrogant splendour was almost an affront to the remnants of a once proud nation waiting huddled below.  
  
As they took their quarters on board, Jin immediately began to rewrite their plans. The one thing Jin had baulked at was taking up arms against his own people, but this craft was manned by Imperial soldiers. It appeared the _Monoceros_ was to be given to the Empire as payment for the upkeep and safe passage of the refugees. In Jin’s mind, reclaiming it for at least two Tornans was just.   
  
During the journey, they had to tread a fine line between keeping to themselves and integrating just enough to be able to get to know the layout of the ship. Jin had to keep a lower profile and so was especially proud of Mikhail, who bravely instigated games of hide and seek with the other children purely as a way to explore the many passages of the Monoceros. Malos became well practiced in adopting a conciliatory tone with a number of parents, ‘helpfully’ retrieving lost children from the bowels of the ship.   
  
Jin and Malos made their plan and waited for the ship to arrive at Genbu.  
  
  
The coldness of the metal at Jin’s back seeped into him, as he leaned unseen behind the control room door. He flicked a glance at Malos adopting a similar pose in the shadows on the other side of the passage. Mikhail had been instructed to hide behind some old crates, deep in an unused storeroom. He’d complained mightily about this until Malos had told Mikhail that he was to be the back-up and that if no one had come for him half-an-hour after the ship had docked he was to come to the control room and help. If Jin and Malos were dead, he was to pretend he’d been lost and join the other refugees. Jin was surprised that the boy had believed him, but perhaps the threat of their demise had persuaded Mikhail to take the dark blade seriously.  
  
As the ship came into Genbu port, they could hear the captain telling the guards on the intercom to escort the passengers off the ship. The heart in Jin was pounding. The Monoceros came to rest. Then there was the noise of doors opening in the distance and the calls of the guards instructing everyone to disembark.  
  
The control room door slid open and several guards exited, chattering, walking straight past the two blades.  
  
“No, no shore leave. We’ve been told to unload the cargo and return today.”  
“Damn shame, would have liked a little relaxation” Jin heard one of the guards let out a filthy laugh in the distance.   
  
They waited. The captain didn’t follow. Jin lowered his head and exhaled, closing his eyes in regret. He hung on a bit longer, to give the guards time to disembark, but mainly in the hope that the captain would leave. Feeling sick in his stomach he gathered his resolve and signalled to Malos.   
  
Jin’s preternatural speed meant that the captain was dead before the man even knew someone else had entered the room. The body slid off his sword onto the control panel. Jin had never killed an innocent person before and stood there, as if struck. Malos clapped him on the back, “Jin! Now is the not the time for regret.” The dark blade pushed the dead captain off the console onto the floor, where he landed with a soft thump.   
  
They both scanned the controls and Jin engaged the engines, throwing the _Monoceros_ into reverse. “You can take it from here?” Malos nodded and increased the speed to enable the ship to break free from its moorings.   
  
“You’d better get ready Jin, half the imperial army will be on its way. Don’t forget to freeze me in.”  
  
Outside the control room, Jin watched Malos signal through the glass that he’d thrown the lock. Placing his palm on the door, he froze the mechanism into a solid block of ice. He could hear the calls of the guards who had remained on the ship yelling to each other. Jin ran through the passage into the hangar, locking the door as fast as he could, freezing it again.   
  
He heard the first guards arriving as he finished. Jin turned to look at them. They were armed with rifles. As they stepped into formation and took aim, Jin drew his nodachi, and thrusting his arms wide, emitted as much ether as he could to make his titan form manifest, feeling the metallic plate wrap around him, the fin-like wings unfold from his sacrum, and the excess ether light up lines of light around his limbs. The temperature in the hangar started to plunge. The guards wavered in their aim for just a fraction, before recovering and opened fire.   
  
Bullets fell to the ground in a metallic hail as they connected with Jin’s overpowered ether shield. He stood patiently as they emptied cartridge after cartridge at him. More guards arrived and the ice-blade withstood the onslaught of 15 men’s rifles without issue. Jin had originally hoped that that more guards would have left for shore leave, but the overheard conversation had made him realise this heist was going to have to be a bloody one.   
  
When the ammunition was spent, with great yelling the company charged at Jin. Using his absurd speed, the ice-blade wove his way around the men, his nodachi biting cruelly with each move. In just a few moments, every single man was dead.   
  
And then it was just him, alone in the hangar, looking down at the fractal roses freezing themselves around the bodies on the icy floor.   
  
His titan form left him just as the sound of Mikhail’s bouncing footsteps preceded him into the hangar, the lethal fans at the ready. He skidded to a halt, expressionless when he saw the carnage, but then so relieved to see Jin, alive.  
  
  
Cannibal. Flesh-eater. Murderer.   
  
Jin stood in the open doorway of the hangar as he watched the face of the last Ardainian soldier disappear as the weighted corpse descended into the Cloud Sea. Had this man been a father? Was there now another lonely child? Would he have accepted his death if he had known it been to save a child. But Jin knew this was a fool’s rationale. The plan had only worked because of Jin’s powers, had he been any other blade, they would have all been dead, Mikhail included. This had been an almighty cock-up. And now 16 men were on their lifeless way to the Cloud sea’s bed because of Jin’s hubris.  
  
He’d managed to persuade Mikhail that Malos needed help with understanding the Tornan controls, so that he could dispose of the bodies without distressing the boy anymore. Not that he’d appeared distressed. For poor Mikhail it was just another piece of carnage in a life filled with it. Jin was beside himself that he had now contributed to it. He made a promise to himself that he would never again form a plan that required him to kill innocent people to execute it.   
  
Monster.  
  
He hit the control to seal the hanger door.  
  
Back at the control room Malos was still clearly irritated that he’d been locked in for far too long. Jin’s ice hadn’t seemed to want to melt, and it was Mikhail who had located a blow torch so they could free him.  
  
“You took long enough, you done with the eulogies?”  
  
Jin sighed heavily. “Yes.”  
  
“Good. Mik thinks we can submerge, want to give it a try, might make sure we don’t get pursued?”  
  
“Great thinking - yes let’s try it.” The young lad beamed at Jin, and engaged the controls. After a moment they all felt the pressure change as the _Monoceros_ sank below the clouds, the light changing in the control room to a green twilight.  
  
“So now as well as Indol, we have will have Mor Ardain and Tantal on our backs. I think this officially makes us outlaws.” Jin rubbed his core crystal nervously.   
  
“But Mik is safe, and we have the _Monoceros_.” Malos patted the console, “It’s going to be ok Jin.” He smiled winningly at Mikhail who returned the grin, excited as any young lad would be at such a helm.  
  
Jin left the slightly deranged pair in their happiness and went to search the rest of the ship.


	5. Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How could he not have known that it was possible for blades to have such exquisite contact?

The _Monoceros_ came to feel like home more quickly that Jin could have believed possible. Perhaps because it was a precious fragment of Torna. A solid dependable hunk of metal that felt more stable than all the places where Jin had tried to lay his head after the destruction of his home. Malos and Mik adapted perhaps even more quickly. Watching Mik become interested in engineering had been a surprise, and in many ways he rapidly outstripped Jin and Malos in understanding the ships controls and idiosyncrasies.  
  
From time to time they craved the open air, Jin especially, who had spent most of his life sleeping under an open sky. They would moor up at a small lone titan and make a camp under the sky, relishing their freedom and a new sense of security.  
  
One such evening found Jin and Malos alone together by the fire. Mikhail had retired to the his own room on the _Monoceros_, where he felt more secure.  
  
Sat with his elbows resting on his knees, staring into the fire, as usual now, Jin’s thoughts tracked back once again to the heist. He didn’t recognise himself, feeling a new level of self-hatred plaguing him, adding to the continual ache for his driver.  
  
“You’re beating yourself up again, aren’t you?” Jin found himself wondering once again, how it was that Malos could perfectly combine that particular tone of concern and irritation in his voice.  
  
“We should have aborted - left with the refugees and tried to steal another vessel at a later time.”  
  
“It was the perfect opportunity, and we took it. It worked didn’t it?”  
  
“But all those innocent men!” Jin could still see the face of the last Ardainian falling beneath the clouds.  
  
“Jin, can you honestly tell me that you would have been able to steal a Tornan ship without any loss of life? There was always going to be a chance you would have to fight someone?”  
  
Jin saw the truth in Malos words. Jin had to acknowledge, that something inside him, had been prepared to kill so that he could find Mik, all of them, some kind of safety. While Mik was still wanted by Amalthus, they needed to disappear, be able to fade away whenever they needed, and the _Monoceros_ would give them that ability. Jin tried to tell himself again that it was a one-off. He would never murder anyone again. Well, apart from Amalthus.  
  
The scale of his own destruction had completely altered Jin’s view of the dark blade. “Is this how you feel Malos?”  
  
“I’m not sure you can equate 16 men with three continents. And you were trying to protect someone, I was like a wild animal, rampaging without control.”  
  
“A monster.”  
  
Malos looks suddenly hurt. “Yes a monster.”  
  
“Where do you draw the line? One? 16? A hundred? Ten thousand? You can’t draw the line. That’s the point. I don’t care what you say, Malos, I am no less a monster than you. I see no difference at all. And I have no driver’s influence to blame. Lora certainly wouldn’t have done this. This was my own choice. Perhaps this makes me worse.”  
  
His self-loathing was palpable. Jin hadn’t even begun to come to terms with being a flesh-eater, and now he was the Paragon of Torna no longer, but a thief and a murderer.  
  
Malos dares to put an arm around the ice-blade’s shoulders, suddenly gratified when Jin leaned in for comfort. “Listen to me, from one who knows, there is no going back. What’s done is done. All we can do now is go forward.”  
  
“And where is that?” Jin’s tone is hopeless.  
  
“For now we have Mik to care for. Then we deal with Amalthus. Malos swallows, “And…”  
  
“And what?”  
  
The big man rubs his forehead nervously, “My feelings haven’t changed Jin.”  
  
Jin looks up into the grey eyes, “Even now, after everything I’ve done, you still want to be with me? I’m not the man who always knows how to do the right thing, I’m the man who keeps making horrendous mistakes.”  
  
“Isn’t that what we all want Jin? Someone to treasure all our brokenness and still admire the sparkles we can make with all the ragged edges. I realise I’m a wretched being, a hideous monster, far beyond saving. But with you, I dare to think more can be possible. Please tell me that we are not lost to each other now?”  
  
Jin is devastated by Malos’s words. Malos loved him, not just lusted after him but actually loved him.  
  
“You are no more a monster than I am. I am not lost to you. I am here. I am here.” Filled with a sudden realisation, Jin leans in for a kiss.  
  
Malos holds him away, “Don’t. Don’t do this if you don’t mean it. I couldn’t bare it.”  
  
“Shh, shh, it’s ok, I’m not going anywhere.” He leans in and holds a cheek against the dark blade’s face. Malos looks terrified of the man that is so precious to him.  
  
Elated, absolutely certain of his feelings, and keeping his gaze on Malos’s face the whole time, Jin starts to disrobe. Malos watches in disbelief as Jin removes his armour, his undershirt, the vicious scar revealed in the middle of the chest. Then Jin steps out of his boots, trousers, standing naked in front of Malos, his elegantly formed body so alive in the firelight. Malos swallows, he can’t believe how beautiful the man in front of him is.  
  
Jin leans in to kiss Malos across his throat, then looks up, his ice-blue eyes glittering in the firelight, “I know the heart in me is as irredeemably wrecked as my crystal. But I can give you myself. It’s all I have to give. If you’ll have me.”  
  
Malos, shaking in longing and desperation, reaches to Jin, gathering him in, holding him nervously. “Tell me what to do.”, Malos’s voice holds all the pain of hurt and want. Jin kisses him on the cheek. He finds a blanket in one of the packs and take a little time smoothing it out on the ground beside the fire. Then he lies down and a stretches a hand out to Malos.  
  
“Come here.”  
  
Malos lies beside him, trembling as Jin kisses him gently at first, like he’s trying to soothe and comfort a fractious child. Malos lay there, motionless, in an agony of uncertainty.  
  
Clambering up to sit astride the tall man, Jin looks down with an soft smile. He reaches down and slips a hand under the waistband of Malos’s trousers, his fine strong fingers searching for Malos’s erection. He finds the soft skin at the tip and with one finger makes delicate circling motions, enjoying how much the big man seems to melt at his touch. “You do want me, don’t you?” Jin’s voice is soft and kind.  
  
Malos looks like he may weep. “Jin, you must know, surely, you must know…” Jin brings his face down to the dark blade's mouth, kissing each lip separately, dipping in his tongue, licking the inside of the man’s lips with gentle laps and then driving his tongue in passionately. Malos groans in longing, completely undone. Jin comes up for air.  
  
“Listen to me, I want you too. I realise that now. I need you. Not the old Jin, this Jin, the one in front of you now. Every destroyed, broken part of me aches for you. I don’t think there is anything I wouldn’t do for you. Let me give you this body, let me give you my will. This is my own choice, I choose you.” Jin instinctively knew that if he had chosen words of love, Malos would not, could not have believed him, but these words, of one blade to another seem reach him. The dark blade finally gives in, daring to pursue a passionate kiss, while at the same time rapidly pulling off his armour and his clothes.  
  
They lie entwined, caressing, exploring each other with sweeping strokes and strong embraces. Pushing his leg between Malos’s, Jin draws them both together with his hand. Malos wrapping his own hand over Jin’s, moaning softly as they hold each other, firmly, deliberately.  
  
Jin feels dizzy with this new realisation that he wants Malos as much as Malos seems to want him. He can’t bare to think of the actually word, his mind veers away from it but he can surrender to this man, give him everything he knows how.  
  
Jin summons a thread of affinity and watches it connect it to Malos’s core in a shining blue cable, trying to focus on it all his want, his lust, his aching. The dark blade looks at him in wonder. “You want me? You do want me!”  
  
“Yes, yes, I want you!” Keeping the affinity thread alive, Jin whispers into Malos’s ear, “You can take me if you want? Or I could take you - if you’d prefer?”  
  
Malos flickers his eyes open, looking into the blue eyes in longing, “You’re sure, you’d let me?”  
  
“Of course, would you like to do that now?”  
  
Malos is quiet, he looks almost drunk, struggling to find the words, “Actually, right now, I would completely love you to do that to me.”  
  
Jin responds with a deep kiss and runs his hand through Malos’s dark hair. “Whatever you want.” Holding Malos tightly he rolls them both until Malos is underneath him. Jin instinctively understands that Malos wants to feel as close as he possibly can. That he can be so emotional is something that makes Jin want to weep with relief. He softly sweeps his hands down Malos’s legs and pulls them up so he can reach between them. After applying plenty of lube to Malos and himself, he pushes himself into Malos, gently, slowly at first, noticing that Malos has gone very silent. Jin leans on his forearm, so he can hold his body above Malos and move himself in all the way. Jin makes an involuntary soft cry as the pressure sends thrilling waves through his hips.  
  
Malos groans and throws his arms around Jin. Both of them delighting in the intimacy as much as the sensation, the gold thread of affinity shining brightly between them, making their minds feel as connected as their bodies. Jin suddenly feels another sensation, an earthy bass note like dark wine griping him, filling him with want. He almost swoons when he realises that Malos is returning a second thread of affinity back to him. Jin can hardly breathe, he’s never been so turned on, so attuned to another.  
  
Jin gasps, “Malos, this is incredible. I had no idea you could do that?

“I couldn’t before, I think I can only do it when you do, your ether is so powerful now, I can send it back in a loop.”  
  
He feels Malos’s hands on his backside, pulling him in and looks down at his first sight of the dark blade throwing his head back in delight.  
  
“Jin.” Malos says it like he’s not seen Jin in many years. The ice-blade starts to move his hips, drawing himself in and out of Malos, moaning as he does so. Malos takes hold of himself, stroking in the same rhythm that Jin is making. Jin leans forward so that he can run an arm under Malos shoulders and still move against the dark blade with firm movements.  
  
With each motion Jin feels the pleasure climb in his body as his mind flies into a glittering landscape of dark and ice. Their affinity loop carrying all their feelings into ever tighter circles. How could he not have known that it was possible for blades to have such exquisite contact?  
  
Jin hangs back as he waits for Malos to edge towards his own orgasm and then as he senses the dark blade getting close, lets go his own urgency and thrusts into the big man harder and faster. Malos comes just before he does with a long moan, and Jin allows himself to move against Malos in ragged motions as he gives into his own climax, his brain exploding with all the midnight imagery the dark blade is sending him as his body expands into a shattering sweetness.  
  
Malos throws his arms around Jin for a sudden tight hold, before letting them fall back to the ground. Slowly Jin withdraws, feeling wobbly, and lies down beside Malos, boneless. He feels his hand caught and taken to be pressed against lips. Turning to look at Malos in the firelight, the expression directed to him is one of unmistakable love. Jin stares in wonder, fearing that the heart fluttering like a broken bird inside him will be found wanting.  
  
Not wanting the connection to be over, Jin casts a new thread of affinity, watching it turn to gold almost the moment it hit Malos’s core. Malos concentrates for a moment and returns a thread to Jin, which makes Jin reel almost as much as the first time Malos did it. Hoarfrosted twilight landscapes weave their way around both blades’ consciousness as their respective elements blend and bind their thoughts. Particles and data become crystalline canyons lit by magenta miasma. Malos bends Jin’s ether back to him tainting it with wine stain, reshaping it with black tides, turning Jin’s ice into a blizzard of crows’ feathers.  
  
Jin presses his lips against Malos’s mouth, surrendering to the sparkling dark.  
  
  
_I was standing in a green field. I could hear the wind in the grass, the tolling of a bell in the distance. Ahead I could see the lone tree on the horizon. I could make out the shape of figure, leaning against the tree in a familiar fashion, looking into the distance. The dark hair was unmistakable. _  
  
_As I arrived, the man turned around, his impatient smile just evident. “You took your time.” _  
  
_“I know, I was worried that I wasn’t enough.”_  
  
_“And now?_  
  
_“I’m the same as you.”_

**Author's Note:**

> My head cannons tell me that Rex would not have been the first innocent Jin stabbed in the back. Somewhere between the Jin in TTGC and the Jin we meet in XC2, he would have crossed that line. It would have been in the service of someone he cared about or was in the process of rescuing. I was interested in exploring how Jin moved into the moral grey and the most ‘noble’ I could come up with was Jin trying to find a way to protect Mikhail from Amalthus. He would have lost his own innocence in the process. Heartbreaking.


End file.
